Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Help! Not Just Anybody.

Today, I feel .......not sure...about anything, about everything.
That's not true, I feel sure about not drinking. I am resolute about it and it feels right. I simply don't want to. I think through the process right to the end and the outcome is one I simply do not want to have so I do not embark upon the process. What I do miss, is the taste of beer and wine and so I find myself buying sparkling presse and 0.00% beer. They taste fine. They give a placebo unwinding effect after a long day and I am happy with that.
I am also eating better. No bread, no potatoes and my body is sighing with relief. It is not something I intentionally did, just something I fell into when I began to value myself , over a week ago now. I have known for about 9 years that they make me feel sluggish, bloated and lethargic and yet I did nothing about it.Seeing that I deserved better, with such clarity was shocking to me and as I write this now, I wonder if that's what has brought me to this place of today, feeling angry and petulant, childlike and fearful; confused.
I set off on the walk to the therapist this morning and felt all of this all bubbling, although it was just a confusing mix of emotions at the time. 2 corners before her street, I heard myself growl. I often hear myself do things that I had no intention of doing; like screaming in the car on the way to work - that looked like it would go on  forever but stopped the moment that I got out of the car for a meeting ; then started again once I got back in and then I wailed all the way home. I definitely knew that something was very wrong on that occasion. I thought it was that I wanted to leave my husband - and I was right - but obviously the bipolar would have been at play too. Another time, that I will definitely tell you about in detail in the near future, was when I found myself weeping as though my dam had burst (again, I was driving) . But I enjoyed sobbing so much, that I felt it must be cathartic and so I actively fostered it for the whole of the 4 hour drive. It's still one of my happiest memories. I found myself horrified and cleansed simultaneously. I was completely spent when I arrived home and had to go and stay with a friend to be looked after like a toddler afterwards, instead of going home.
Anyway,back to today,  it turned out that the growl was a precursor to a tantrum. If I could have had my fingers in my ears, lalalaa-ing for the hour when she was trying to talk, then I would have.  I actually said (and I meant it) that I wanted to leave because I was being told off and I didn't like it.  When I think now of the things she was saying to me, I don't feel angry or that I was being told off. There was probably a hint of anxiousness in her voice and she spotted signs and signals that I should go no further down the path I was on, but that was all. She said I seemed to be stuck in my 'child mode' today and for whatever reason, I was refusing to come out of it. She also said -quite rightly- that nothing that she said today could possibly be right or helpful. I was refusing to access my adult. As she said it, I knew that it was true, I felt like a furious teenager -lost and angry and misunderstood. She wasn't supporting me at all, wasn't allowing me to be fulfilled and happy, I had to bow to drudgery and boredom. I felt not good enough -like she had no faith in my ability to earn through being good at something-not good enough, not talented. And isn't that what happened to me that saturday evening when I told myself that I deserved more than this treatment I was giving myself. I deserved more than to lose precious hours and smiles because of a couple of glasses of wine; more than overeating and not addressing the problem; more than thinking that no wonder I don't have a partner, more than all that. I was a good person, I was not unworthy of my own love. When I saw it, it was simultaneously great and terrible.
terrible that I should have felt that way about myself all my life and terrible that my life had been one that had made me think about myself thus. This teenage fury, sitting opposite that therapist was so very clear to me today. It has never ever been so clear and sharp before. She cried in terror sitting in that warm room, with a nice lady who took all the teenage sarcasm and petulance that she/I threw at her from a 45 year old body through her/my fear of the future.
I think that I went right back to a time that I was completely unsupported, berated, put down (and worse) and lost and was railing at the injustice of it-standing up for myself; saying it wasn't so, that I was worth something.

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