Sunday, April 24, 2011

Blog Off!

I worked on the most enormous blog entry yesterday (that's 3 Innuendo Bingo points Paula!) and I just can't bring myself to post it.
I read and reread it and there's nothing wrong with it per se. It's just a bit ....whatsit. You see, I'm not even sure what being a bit whatsit entails.

                     I'd say it rambles but it doesn't really. It doesn't go off piste.          

'Talking Trollops' gives some valid points, it weighs up the arguments but somehow it doesn't feel right. It's informative but not very entertaining.

I think it's because I set out trying to write something about the topic de jour- 'Talking about Mental Illness' when what I really wanted to tell you was that I'd been punting up the Cam. None of these people are me.

And I was excited that my 2 favourite Australian Bloggers had responded to my tweets and comments

  And I'd just been sent the most stunning version of Roy Orbison's 'You Got It'.  Its beauty made me amazing gift.

And I didn't really want to talk about being bipolar 'cos I'd just been to a Meditation shop  (recommended by my therapist) and been told that I shouldn't be meditating at all as it was dangerous  for me to go  further into Golightlyland, when what I should be doing is learning how to cope with life.
There was a look of grave concern and heartfelt sympathy on her face that made me want to kick her head in. I  used to work in social services and never saw an honest-to-goodness do-gooder in the 10 years I was there. I've seen one now and it ain't pretty. It gives you rosacea.

Grudgingly, I have to admit that I had wondered myself whether it would be wise to head for Enlightenment when a milestone of that journey is a feeling of euphoria and light radiating from your solar plexus which builds until you have enough power and love rising within you to blow your fucking head off.

Well - to be frank - I've been there,done that, got enough T-shirts for Arsenal to play in, and I'm not allowed back.
  Not without Oprah.

I do find the irony quite delicious that I meditate away from the euphoria of madness, whilst half the world actively seeks it by doing the same. Priceless!

Anyway, to paraphrase my local Buddhist nun-I'm getting above myself if I think that I'm even going to find the bus stop to Enlightenment by meditating every alternate Wednesday, excluding holidays.
Phew, what a relief!

But the whole meditation shop scenario made me think about my blog. For the first time since my diagnosis, I can see that not EVERYTHING needs to be about being bipolar. I need not try so hard nor make everything relevant to it.
 Now here's a phrase I read in my Bipolar handbook 'I am not defined by it. It is only part of who I am'.
 At the time, I thought 
Of course you must be defined by something that controls you.'
Now I am not so sure.

 My ruddy-faced friend was right about something. Being bipolar is about an inability to cope with life and I find that that particular definition diffuses the fear.
I can learn to cope with life. I just have to retrain. I am not a patient.

       I am a student

When I started this entry, I was going to end by saying that I'd write 2 blogs but each one less frequently.
One on being biopolar and the other with day to day observations. People would know what to expect from each of them.
Now I'm thinking   'Sod It! Take Me or Leave Me!"'

(Actually, can I just qualify this by saying that I really need you not to leave me as an anonymous blog cannot be publicised down the usual routes).                              


  1. Well I am going to read your blog now, so there.
    You have a great voice, and as you may have picked up from mine, I love honesty, no bollocks.
    I actually snorted my orange juice when I looked at the punting pic, took my specs off to peer even closer, then read "none of these people are me".

  2. I am but a gnat in the shadow of Your Blogness. Thank You! x


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