Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hard Times?


Quite a lot has happened since we spoke last.
I have not been having an easy time, some rapid cycling thingy
 is going on and it's been difficult to meditate or to ground myself  at times but then feel that I am 'never going to be ill again' at others.   I sometimes liken my cyclothymia to autism in as much as I seem to completely withdraw when things get difficult for me; this makes things 10 times worse and then difficult to get out of. For instance, I hadn't called anyone who had agreed to be on my 'Tornado Helpline'. I hadn't taken anything out of my 'Comfort Box', I hadn't listen to my guided mediation tape, hadn't walked, hadn't .....  Then my psychotherapist (P) simply forced me to make eye contact and I had the tools to help myself.

So, what has brought this about? Well, it has been a truly sh*tty time really. All those things that are sent to try us, have arrived at my door at the same time.So, whilst stressed, I am susceptible to the thing that affects me most; the fear of/danger of illness. ..it sends me into a tailspin. We all have our own triggers, and this is mine.

My fear can be brought on by the most tenuous of link. For example; I had a phone call from a company dealing with asbestos, to see if they could come and test my walls and ceilings as they had been asked to do by The Warm Front Grant Team. This was the first I had heard of it and so I immediately presumed that my son's recent illness was asbestos related and that in the long term, each of us were going to die a lingering and painful death.

In the event, when they turned up, they said that someone had made a mistake somewhere since I had no artexing to check for asbestos and that in lieu of the sample he'd been asked to provide , he'd send a sliver of woodchip!  Even if I had had asbestos, they'd simply have followed the builder around with an asbestos hoover if he'd had to drill a hole.
Yet,each time illness is even hinted at,  I simply plummet without warning - screaming all the way down as though the earth has given way to a void beneath. I completely forget that I am wearing a parachute. So until I can do it for myself, the brilliant P has agreed to pull the rip chord for me.
I must remember that the choice whether to panic or not, is in fact mine.

Off for my daily fix of The Gilmore Girls now...it's like an illness in itself. xx

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